The Constant

Jesus,


I need you. There's too much going on.


My person is hurting. Teams are coming. My family's grieving. My body's groaning. Relationships need building. Communities are changing. Guatemala's drowning. Houses are burning. Life doesn't stop.


YOU never stop.


Forgive me for every moment that I keep my mind, my heart, and my eyes on the verbs. I want my heart and my life set on The Constant.

You are My Tower. My Refuge. My Strength. You don't waver.

You part seas. You move mountains. At your voice, the earth melts.

You're The Constant.

Jesus, people are getting washed away in Guatemala. People are wasting away and abandoned in Africa. People are being sold into slavery all over the world. People are grasping to fill voids with anything in arm's reach in America.

You know them all. Every face. Every name. Every heart.

And you love them all the same. Perfectly.

You're The Constant.

Nothing about me is constant.

You Are Constant.
You are Love. Perfect love that is impossible for me to make sense of - especially when the details come in. And stories. And experiences. And me.

You're The Constant.

I can't understand how You are everything and more than I need. But it's even more than that. Thank you for being more than a feeling, a moment, a story. Thank you for being The Constant. The perfect thread connecting the feelings, moments, stories and more all together.

A Constant thread of love. Beyond faces. Facts. Time. Places.

You're The Constant.

You're Home.
And more than that.

You won't go. Even when I try and turn away. The Constant.

And You...
The Constant...
You call me Yours...
All the time.

You call me Beloved.
You say You are pleased with me.
Nothing about me is constant.
You are The Constant.

Amen.

Being THAT Girl...

I have a reputation around here.

And I figured I’d better warn you now.

There are parts of me that have come alive since I’ve been in Africa. I think they are parts that were always there, but something about this side of the globe really brings them out in me.

I have a reputation with the children in the communities of being that girl who cannot and will not stop hugging and kissing every child that comes within arms reach. Let’s be real… sometimes I even chase them for it. When it’s necessary, I hold them down.

The language barrier can be so challenging – and words are kinda my thing. Words here have so many sounds I can’t make, and I’ve actually had to grieve not being able to use them as effectively as I’d like during this time in my ministry.

But God has done something powerful through touch. When I hug these kids, there’s more to it than a few moments of physical contact. There’s an exchange – a language deeper than words that goes far beyond cultural differences. And I have truly experienced God building relationships out of touch.

At first, the older kids would point, laugh and be absolutely mortified when they got caught up in a hug or kiss from me. Didn’t stop me. Now, in each community, they run to me shouting my name with open arms and puckered lips. It's beyond greeting; it's acknowledging their value in every interaction.

The little ones in Mbonisweni created a game last week out of running as fast as they could across the stage at church and taking a flying leap into my arms for huge hugs. My body has become both a jungle gym and a resting place.

These children don’t get enough touch or love. But it’s more than that. It’s more than satisfying a physical need. It’s an interaction. I feel God’s power move through our hugs. I feel when they need refuge and when they need celebration.

It seems like it’s taken a long time for any sort of relationship to build. I don’t know most of their stories. I don't even know many of their names. But I know them through what I feel. I know them through what God speaks through those tiny hands reaching up to be held, that little head resting on my shoulder, and those bare feet climbing up my legs. And I know that they can feel that I love them. I feel the richness of these cross-cultural relationships going deeper with every hug and every little moment – something that could seem like nothing if we’re not looking for it.

In the past couple of weeks, I learned the SiSwati words for “I love you” and “Jesus loves you”.

As I’ve hugged each familiar little face and let God do His thing, I whisper these Truths to them: “I love you. Jesus loves you.”

I knew they felt it. And it was time for words that match it. As I whispered, faces changed. A new sense of safety, a new sense of delight, and… almost all of them said, “Ya” or “Yebo”. They already knew. They felt it too.

Little things. Hugs. Kisses. Three words at a time. Nothing else in common but that.

God is teaching me now about his unmatchable, unfathomable, unstoppable power. We don’t ever have to understand it. We don’t ever have to figure it out. We don’t even have to bring our super-hero talents.

I came with a license to counsel. And got here to find out I was a long way from being able to use skillfully crafted semantics to give glory to my God when it came to His orphaned and vulnerable in the communities of South Africa.

When we let Him (which has taken and still is taking me a loooong time), He’ll do the talking, the giving, the growing, and the perfect, perfect loving. He knows every detail of every story of every orphan. And He knows how to love them perfectly. All I have to know is how to let His love flow through me.

Hug someone this week and mean it. No side hugs, people. Full frontal hugs. And mean it. And feel what God does. He has things to say and He’s gonna say it every chance He gets. Linger for a moment and let His love flow through you. Surprise someone with God’s authentic love and embrace.

Photo by Carly B

And be warned, America, I’m coming in December with open arms and lots of chapstick. Forget about social norms. Lingering hugs and kisses are my new normal. Don't say I didn't warn you!

“We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."

-2 Cor 4:10-11

Watching It Work.

It was SO good to be back in Dwaleni for the first time in weeks today! Our biggest feeding program was cancelled during the strike because of lack of local volunteers and the children being dispersed all around the community.

The kids looked great.... They were bright and shiny and huggy and absolutely perfect. They are ecstatic to be back at school and starting the feeding scheme again was like a family reunion. (Except there was no karaoke machine.)

I know I just posted about this, but I HAD to show you. You NEED to see what your prayers are doing. You need to get as close as you can to a hug from these children. It's just not fair that I got all the hugs and kisses today... had to show you a few of the precious little faces they were coming from.

And, Alyssa, this is worth writing for everyone to see. The sweet angel that wrecked your heart for Africa came right up to me... looking like a new person. I've known her to be sorrowful and clingy for a long time. She bears the proof of pain on her face and always carried it in her eyes.

But today I saw that you are praying for her daily. Her eyes were shining; she couldn't stop smiling; and she was giggling with friends all day. She wrapped herself around me and climbed up me for a ride on my back, and I spoke truth to her: I told her she's beautiful. She's perfect. She's loved. She's the daughter of Christ. And I told her how much you loved her... by name.



Thank you to every one of you who prayed. Just like Alyssa's story, I could physically see the impact of your prayers. You are making a difference in South Africa and in the Kingdom of God. And in my life. Thank you.

Keep praying - the strike is on a 21 day break to work out negotiations and such. Pray for stability, structure and safety in this country.

Thank You For Praying!

When we all join together, God hears and He moves. The perfect Father responds to His chidren's hearts and cries. Thank you for joining in with me and this country.

The strike has gone on break! Children are back in school and hospitals are fully functional! We're going back to Dwaleni today, and yesterday in Mbonisweni, so many children came and were like themselves again. 

Your prayers have impacted me and this country. Thank you!

the kind of blog I hate writing

I live in a "Rainbow Nation".

A first- and third- world county full of abundance and poverty.

As if that weren't enough contradictions in "normal", daily life... things are REALLY out-of-whack now.

This country needs prayer. I need you to know what's going on here. And I need you to feel it with us.

A few weeks ago the civil service workers union went on strike for higher wages and an increased housing allowance. I've been burdened, overwhelmed and devastated as I've watched the trickle-down effect of those who haven't chosen to strike, but are being affected in unbelievable ways.

Teachers, nurses, hospital staff, home affairs and petrol workers are on strike.

At first we could maintain our daily life stuff without having to look too close at the reality... But now the stories, sights and sadness are pouring into every corner of this country. The reality is unavoidable and we need you to actively join in this and pray with us.

Thre's a million news articles. But here's a glimpse at the strike from the ways I see it in daily life:

The children...

A highlight of my week is attending the three after-school feeding programs. Everything feels different since the strike started, though. Dwaleni's feeding scheme had to be cancelled due to lack of volunteers and children. Numbers are down in Kabokweni. And the kids in Mbonisweni are showing up so, so dirty and so, so hungry. For many children, school was their only meal of the day. Now they are without guaranteed food, structure, attention, stimulation, and protection from the dangers of walking around the streets of South Africa. I hate to think of the dangers lurking as these children walk around unsupervised, uncared for in a place where it's public knowledge to all the "bad guys" that every single public school child is unaccounted for right now.

Photo by Rae

Pray for the children of South Africa who cling a little tighter and look a little hungrier every week. Pray for justice and for a blanket of protection and provision over these children as they anxiously await to return to a safe place for the attention, affection, education and basic needs they were created with the rights to.

The hospital...

Although many of the government hospitals in South Africa have closed, the needs for healthcare haven't slowed down at all. Last week, we went to volunteer at a large hospital in the nearby city of Nelspruit. We passed mobs of strikers walking the streets on the way, but even that shock couldn't have prepared us for the desolate emptiness and maddening business we were walking into. The hospital staff is normall aournd 1000 people with a huge capacity for patients. Now, including the army medics brought in, there were about 100. Even nurses who wanted to stay were violently forced out by strikers.

Staff parking lot

Waiting room

We were sent to the maternity ward - where there were 13 newborn babies, which doesn't include at least 2 HIV+ babies who'd been brought in for treatment and abandoned. The weary staff were so overwhelmed they didn't even know how to tell us to start. We spent most of the morning cleaning, organzing and trying to speak life and encouragement into staff and patients.

Ugh. Ok. Here we go.

Confession: So far, these pictures and these stories have been the "easy" part. I've been putting off writing this blog for weeks and have tried to shut myself off to the reality of what's happening in the country I live in. This isn't a 20/20 special or a movie that you have to pause or crack an uncomfortable joke when it gets too hard to watch. These are my neighbors, my community, and people that I love dearly. This isn't America with built-in fallbacks or resources to get things taken care of when disaster strikes. What you see is what you get here and what you see just isn't enough.  

What's happening here is unfathomable, unacceptable and just plain ugly. Patients are missing meals because no one's around to feed them. They are lying in their own filth because no one's there to wash or change them. Sick and contagious patients are being released because there's no place for them to stay or person to care for them. Babies are dying... DYING... because no one will stay with them. I've heard numbers ranging from 10 - 50 infant deaths directly related to the strike.

Just before I left the hospital, Rich burst through the maternity ward doors holding a young mother in one arm and her newborn in the other. He found her staggering down the hall, and she just wanted him to hold her baby.

I told him I'd take care of her and felt my stomach tie itself in knots as I held her baby and, through another family's translation, I got her story.

Anabel is a 17 year-old single mom. She was released from the hospital that day with no idea how she was going to get home - and I'm not sure she even knew where home was. She looked absolutey exhasuted, shell-shocked and miserable. She had been given pain pills that morning but no food so she was nauseous and dizzy and scared. I gave her my lunch and another family offered to help call someone to pick her up.

This is NOT how it should be. This is not how it should be. This is not how hospitals should be.

She wanted nothing to do with her baby. She wasn't breastfeeding and it didn't seem realistic that she'd be able to buy formula. He didn't even have a name yet.

A perfect little baby boy entered the world, but because there was not the community, care and support we were created for, he's missing out on attachment, nourishment and even being named.

Pray for all of those things churning inside you right now. Pray for the sick, the broken and the abandoned. Pray for justice in South Africa. Pray for the health of this nation - the government, the union workers and the sick and vulnerable. Pray that not one more life gets lost and that violence and pain does not cross the threshhold of one more hospital or clinic. Pray for this little boy by the name that God calls Him by, his mama and all the other babies and their mamas that have been touched - and bruised - by this strike.

It's not getting better yet - and we're praying it doesn't get worse. Our God is the God of justice, compassion and mercy. He wants justice for the underpaid, struggling civil servants and compassion and mercy for the children, the sick and all other groups being affected by the strikers. He's BIG enough to understand how to love us all perfectly even when we think we're fighting for exact opposites of one another. Let's lean into that BIG and trust together... because I don't know what else to do.

Thank you for praying. Thank you for every emotion you might be feeling right now - anger, desperation, sorrow, or even wanting to pull out your super-hero cape and come save the day. Thank you for feeling for these people and for being moved by the things that moves the heart of Jesus. Pray with us. We need you here.

Texas Sheetcake and African Fingerpaint

I'm celebrating my 26th birthday tomorrow - in a new country, a new culture and with a new family. I'm excied for a day to celebrate new relationships that somehow already feel like family.

I had to keep the birthday traditions from my family alive though - celebrate as many times as you can get away with!

I wanted to celebrate first with my African famiy in Mbonisweni... because, really, what's a birthday without Lifa love? It's no birthday at all. I brought over the delicious Texas sheetcake Nicci sent me a recipe for and GoGo prepared an incredible meal. We sang, we laughed and we celebrated together. And now, as I'm still riding the sugar-high, I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness to always set me in a family no matter where I am in the world.



Thank you for being a part of my family as I sometimes stumble and sometimes dance my way through this undeserved adventure with Christ. As I celebrate birthdays, families and relationships, I want you to know that I'm celebrating the impact you've made in my life today too. In fact... I'll give Lifa an extra kiss for you. ;)

feelin' it....

I’m feely.

I feel strong emotions all the way through me almost all the time.

I feel to understand how to relate to others…

I feel tone of voice. I feel what’s in a hug. I feel nonverbal communication.

I’m feely. It’s my radar.

And, so often, I feel God’s presence around me and in me. And that is the most incredible feeling of all. It goes deeper than emotion – It’s Presence.

The presence of God in me elicits an undeniable, unsumbergable and uncontrollable emotional reaction, both to Him and to others… Most of the time.

I love feeling. I love the capacity He gave me to feel deeply. It’s a teeny-tiny picture of how deeply He feels for us. Love isn’t the feeling… God is Love. But, eish…. Love, and the ways He loves all the time and every time certainly evokes feelings in me that leave me wanting more, longing for His perspective and desperate for His Kingdom.

I think I’ve just set myself on cruise control though. I think I went on emotional overload.

A week of what felt like rapid-fire culture shock, stumbling through the hard part of relationships, feeling my heart stretch with love and longing around the world, saying goodbyes on base, so so so much love for Lifa and the Kabokweni girls, conversations that inspired me, being surprised by people, excitement in meeting new friends, and, the big one… being absolutely devastated by the civil service strike here in South Africa.

The teachers, hospitals and home affairs are on strike. The children aren’t in school – and, for many of them, that’s their only meal of the day. Now they are left to walk around the streets unsupervised and receiving no attention or structure all day. In hospitals, babies have died because no one would care for them. It doesn’t make sense. I just want to scream, “Is this real!?!”

I can’t hold all the feelings. I can’t breathe when I try.

So what do I do? I know God’s still here. He’s still alive and active in me. He’s still Love. But I’m not feely. My feelings are exhausted.

So what do I do?

A line from Hillsongs “From The Inside Out” song is on repeat in my head right now…

“Let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out.”

I don’t feel your warm fuzzies right now, Jesus. But you didn’t always feel them either… hanging from a cross with a crown of thorns.

You hung there for justice… and undeserved, lopsided, Jesus kind of justice… the kind that gives us full rights and full access to the Family we were created for and that only takes accepting Love and grace. It didn’t come with hugs and party hats. It came from Love – the One who IS foundational, unshakable Love.

You hung there so that, right here and right now, I can have full access to your heart and praise you. Even praise isn’t a feeling… it’s a declaration of Truth. It’s being humbled by all that You are and acknowledging Your greatness when there’s nothing else I can do.

So, when I’m not feelin’ it, Lord, let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out. Help me stumble through this.

Photo by Carly B

“..And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8