I'm here! I'm safe! I'm back!

I apologize for not blogging in a while - we've been out of internet since returning home from community stay. I've had two great weeks of being completely immersed in one of the communities we've been working in as a member instead of visitor and then one of being completely immersed in my team during a week of learning about relationships with no internet to connect to anyone but each other. Yes, we might have wanted to pull each other's hair at one time or another, but it's been great.

I have missed being able to connect with you, and I'm sorry for those that were worried about my lack of communication. I managed to snag a ride to town today (Thanks Brittany!) to update you and share some pictures from the week with you.

Community stay in Mboniswene last week was amazing! Thank you so much for your prayers!

I have countless stories that I won't be able to hold back next time I go to a nice restaurant with you and eat something without toenails and can excuse myself to go to the bathroom without putting my nose in my shirt and holding and without having to ask if you brought toilet paper. For now, since time and internet are still so limited, and the stories are way better with my overly-emotionally involved facial expressions, I'll just invite into my week with as many pictures as I have time to load.

Thanks for being a part of this with me. I wish you were here to see it all. (And taste it all!)

This is my house. 6 people live there plus me and Lanie. This house was built by the government for low-income families.

Me, Go-Go (Grandma) and Baby Fiona

Our bathroom.

Except at night. Then it's a bucket. A very small bucket.

Speaking of toilets... are you wondering what I ate? This is me cooking chicken in the kitchen.

They cook everything with just a SPOT of oil. (My pores are paying for it now.)

The family treated me to some of their favorite meals since I was their special... and especially white... guest.

Tripe and Pap.

COW INTESTINE.

You don't want to ask what it tasted or smelled or felt like. But it did taste better than it looked.

Seth, I wish you would have been there for this.

Chicken Feet and Pap.

I ate toenails! But I just could not be fully African and eat the bones. They understood. I ate every single one of those feet though!

No matter where in the world you are, boys love big trucks. I loved this big truck. It brought clean water! Cleaner than we even have on base!

Here's where we kept it.

Here's how we did the dishes in the morning and evening.

Here's the dishrag.

Smooching by the banana trees.

This little boy lived with us because he was abandoned by his parents. Go-go took him on as her own. I'm completely in love with him.

The twin boys (Go-go's grandkids that live nearby and visit each night) dug a hole in the backyard to burn trash.

So I jumped in with all the kids until I'm pretty sure THEY got in trouble.

And you knew there'd be some of this.

I told you. Can I keep him?

My bathtub.

This is what I used to sweep the yard in the morning. The yard is dirt. I swept the dirt.

"Where should I sweep this dirt."

"Over there."

"oh, ok."

My family.

It was a wonderful trip. I love it! More later. Zambia in two weeks!

Rock Stars

Hello Everyone!


Thank you so much for your support and encouragement in this past week. I could feel the love all the way across the world through your prayers, emails, songs, messages, words and hugs that can reach across time zones. This week has been the most intense yet – it was a week of pressing in past what is visible. In lecture, we participated in a series of activities to understand our identity in Christ.

I felt God really challenging me to a new level of vulnerable – with understandings of myself I’ve never even known being exposed and shared amongst my family here. Vulnerable, and especially the kind of vulnerable that comes out in an uncontrollable, tearful, runny nose, my-business-is-coming-out-in-public way, is not typically how I do things.

It was intense, but so good. God called me to be His in a way that, quite frankly, I have no idea how to be! I’ve lived “successfully” – I’ve made people proud, when I do something I do it well, and I’ve been happy about it the whole time. I’ve even been “successful” in hearing God call me somewhere and going immediately. But God told me that I’ve been living out of a manageable power by holding to those standards of my own and others.

During a time of prayer over me and in asking God for a new name – my identity in Him, He called me Beloved. Instead of “doing” (and doing it well), He says He wants me to just “be”. All the way to Africa to just be.

Leaders prayed over me told me and shared pictures and words they saw and heard for me. The believed that when I really, really, really take off all the filters of standards, plans and expectations and let God’s grace flow freely – even through the broken parts – I will be Dangerous for the Lord. It will be like a bomb has gone off.

In a way, I’ve always known that God called me to be dangerous, but I’ve always lived dangerously within a safety zone. A safety zone where I knew people – people like you that I love and respect – could feel safe with me and could be helped and encouraged by what I know. I’ve pushed the limits just as far as I could to still be radical and acceptable.

I sat with God this week and asked Him HOW to live in a not-withholding kind of dangerous. HOW to abandon what I think I should do, how to be good and seeking approval to live vulnerably and love through that. What’s the PLAN…. HOW do I…

He said, “I named you Beloved. Be Loved. Just Be Loved. There’s no plan. There are no steps. There’s love. Receive Me as I have received you, My Beloved.”

On base, we have been calling each other by our new names. There’s a crazy freedom and joy here – that is powerful enough to counteract the exhaustion and the hard work ahead. Join us in praying for this new release and celebrating who we are in Christ as we prepare to go out. (ZAMBIA IN 28 DAYS!)

We each wrote our names on a rock that we will carry with us everywhere as a reminder. When we go out into communities for outreach and ministry, we will bring our rocks to create an altar as a remembrance of what God has done.

People will ask. And we can tell what God has done. Wahoo!

Joshua 4 talks about using stones to create an altar of remembrance for the Lord. 1 Peter changes the story.

“As you come to him, the living Stone – rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him – you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.” (1Peter 2:4-5)

There’s a new rock venue – and it’s us, living stones. We are to be a place for the Lord’s character, movement and healing to be remembered, lived and celebrated.

I am Beloved.

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” (Deut 33:12)

I wish I could go on and on about what I learned and experienced this week. Feel free to email or leave comments. I can’t wait to share more about these experiences when I see you again.

This week, pray for our team. We will be going out into the community tomorrow (Tuesday – Sunday) to participate in a community stay. We will live with and live like the South Africans we minister too. I’m hoping to taste what life is really like and how they experience God and one another. Pray for safety, health (not sure how drinking the water will go), and that we become family. Bucket baths! Pit toilets! And eating everything they put on the plate! So many stories ahead!

Pray for my team: The Beloved One, The Chosen One, The Joyful One, The Constant, Faithful & Joyful One, The One Who Belongs, The Loved & Merciful One, The Fighter, Sunshine, God’s Radiance, The Beautiful Princess, The Faithful One, The Encouraging King, The One Who is Patient & Perseveres, The Fire Burner, and the Happy & Trusted One.

Talk to you next week!

Because sometimes I need to talk to Jesus and my Home people at the same time.

It’s been an emotionally exhausting week. We’re not even sure why – except maybe that the “honeymoon” phase for our team is over. This week was outreach prep week so there was no life-changing lectures or deep come-to-Jesus times. It was full of fun days, team games, camp fires, Zambia research and drama practice. (Pictures and details to come.) Yet at the end of each fun-filled and exciting day, we were exhausted and driving each other crazy.

Note: They drive me crazy because they really are my family. It's like having family Thanksgiving every day all the time- with a family from all over the world! (If only NaNa's stuffing was part of this week!)

Here, and especially this week, I feel like everything happens in extremes. I hit new and indescribable levels of emotions. Off-the-charts excitement. Unbearable joy. Burning anger. Staggering weariness. Overwhelming love. Enduring passion. And even restlessness in the most extreme form.

This morning, after I realized all the staff cars giving rides to church were full – on the morning when I really, really, reallllly wanted intimacy with Jesus - I stole a sheet from the linen closet and retreated to the lawn. I buried my face in my pillow, clutched my stuffed animal and wept restless tears.

Jesus, why do I feel like this? I don’t even know what “this” is. I want to run away. But there’s nowhere I’d rather be.


How can I hold all these feelings at once? So grateful to come and see God in Africa while feeling Him from the States. So delighted to be here right now on this flower-speckled grass under the most beautiful African sky. So taken aback that this cross-cultural “pour-in-discipleship and flow-out-to-the-nations” 8 months of my life is the closest experience of the Great Commission I’ve tasted yet. And so painfully uncomfortable and unsettled by that.

Should I be satisfied here, Jesus? Should I be uncomfortable? Should I be yearning? Is it ok to want more? What kind of “more” could I ever want?

Here I am again, like a scratched up record, back to restless “homesickness”. I decided to try to write it out, and maybe I would find solace in communicating to both Jesus and the people that are Home at the same time.

And I did. And I am. Nicci sent me a link to a blog that came in perfect timing.

It was a reminder of the lesson I have to learn over and over again.

Home is nothing short of the Kingdom of God. If I can be cliché (which I can and I do on a regular basis,) “Home is where your heart is”. I suppose I’m happy to not feel completely at Home in Texas, in California, in Africa, in the American church, on the mission field, or anywhere in between. My heart is set on the Kingdom of God. We are supposed to make Home while we’re here. We are supposed to bring the Kingdom of God to earth as best we can until Jesus comes and does it all the way.

I’m jealous that Jesus is sinless. I’m jealous that He’s God. I’m jealous that He’s not clouded with selfishness, burdened with personal pity, and that He always chooses right. He always chooses love.

But I’m certain that Jesus always felt this tension. He was designed for Heaven and stuck amongst us – here only to die for all the crap we pull as we try to work our way to the top or create a home that makes us feel completely comfortable and completely satisfied on earth. Yet, somehow, He loved us perfectly and seemed to have an endless supply of compassion, where mine always seems to run dry in the hottest or most uncomfortable parts of the day.

I haven’t said anything new. I haven’t thought anything brilliant. But I’ve cried. And I’ve whined. And I’ve talked to the people that make Home for me – Jesus and you. And I feel better. I don’t know how to make it work any different, and I suspect that the temper tantrums on the lawn will continue, but thanks for being Home and thanks for reading.

Pray that I, and that we (you and me and the church), won’t strive to be comfortable on earth and will keep our hearts set on the Kingdom of God. Pray that we get it as close to right as we can on earth by not settling for the comfortable, but striving to make all of our relationships look like the relationship of the Trinity. Celebrate with me that Jesus responds to temper tantrums and then even makes Sunday drizzly so the day doesn’t make you cranky-hot.

Thank you for coming alongside me whether I'm restless, excited, happy, or cranky. Thank you for being Home to me.

Family Fun!

We have been having so much fun here in South Africa this week!


Every Wednesday morning at 8am, our 15 person team breaks into 3 groups and participates in a time of intercessory prayer. We sit together, pray together and do a lot of listening. (Sister, you’d hate all the still and quiet at intercessory time.) We listen for God’s guiding and pray for whatever He is leading us to no matter how big or small. (I feel like I’m always being spiritually stretched in some way.)

Last Wednesday, without even knowing, all of the students and staff sensed the need to pray for our team to become stronger, closer, and more unified. To be family.

Although we have had many great moments and have been learning so much from one another, we didn’t quite feel like family and were (and are still) wrestling through cultural differences. We actually sat around looking at each other one day saying out loud, “We don’t know each other.”

For our lecture last week, a South African speaker full of life and passion came and spoke about God’s heart for the nations. One thing that really stuck out to me was that God’s glory is so vast that no single nation can contain His glory.

God is so big and so good that we cannot, as individuals, or as nations, capture all of Him. I felt pushed and challenged and encouraged to look at my international teammates differently. I need to find ways to celebrate how God shines uniquely out of them rather than way we are different.

God gave us a model for the nations before Genesis 1 ever happened: The Trinity. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are a model for the perfect relationship – perfect unity, perfect love, mutual trust, harmony, honor, diversity, respect and celebrating one another.

We celebrated the nations Wednesday night. Our speaker, Wilson, cleared his throat and looked in the directions of the Americans when he said, “This is the only night for you to brag about your nations!” We were celebrating the strengths and the gifts from God we could see in our own nation to help us see how big and how beautiful He is in each nation.

We had so much fun! And I can’t complain that it turned into a huge dance party afterwards. Africans met the body roll. I’ll let your imagine run wild with that. It was beautiful, people. Beautiful.

After such a joyful time, we had a worshipful and transformative Thursday. God’s heart for his children and the nations is reconciliation. Jesus already came and did the dirty work – we just have to show up for the dance party!

Jesus came and died on the cross so that, even though we have sinned and broken the heart of our Father, we can be full restored in our relationship with Him. We can be reconciled to relationships that look like the model He gave us – the Trinity.

On Thursday, we brought our burdens, prejudices and pains to the foot of the cross and gave them back to the One who bore them already so that we could enjoy cleanlinesss, righteousness and reconciled harmony. We prayed together, washed one another’s feet, anointed one another with oil. The presence of the Holy Spirit’s healing power was so strong in the room that I just wept. It was so beautiful. I looked around the room and my heart broke for the hurt my family was feeling…

Did you catch that?

I said family!

Something powerful comes with forgiveness, trust, and release. Our burdens became lighter. We became family. It is so much easier to celebrate God’s gifts in one another when we are not carrying the weight of our own burdens and are running toward God together, rather than just next to one another.

After we dried the tears and ate a little pap, we rushed off to the community center to help at a feeding program for orphans and vulnerable children. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun carrying hot plates of pap and getting my hair pulled! Our team felt so light – burden-free and celebrating. We just could not get quiet Lenoard to put down that purple echo-mic and stop hosting his own talk show in the food line. Just try to imagine how much I loved that!

That night we were so tired, but we got all the family together for a night of worship together to celebrate. We pulled out a big piece of paper, paint and Marcella got out her guitar. As we sang together, we painted images and words God revealed to us about how He sees our family. After an incredible time of worship – including African songs (my favorite) – we were all in a circle looking at our new Family Portrait. It looks like us!

I love, love, love, love it. Since then, it’s been easier to celebrate my sisters and brothers and to really call them my sisters and brothers. The girl talk has multiplied exponentially (which means the cookie intake has as well), and everyday I can’t wait to know them more.

I love my family here. I love being here. It’s not always easy – families never are. But it’s good. I’m even writing this on the week where 10 girls in the same room have PMS… and it’s still good. (But we’re almost out of chocolate!)

Family is worth it – all the time. I want to challenge you today to celebrate God’s glory in your family. If there is something holding you back – find it and put it where it belongs: On The Cross. Celebrate freedom, fun, and have a piece of chocolate in honor of this roomful of crazy girls!