Because sometimes I need to talk to Jesus and my Home people at the same time.

It’s been an emotionally exhausting week. We’re not even sure why – except maybe that the “honeymoon” phase for our team is over. This week was outreach prep week so there was no life-changing lectures or deep come-to-Jesus times. It was full of fun days, team games, camp fires, Zambia research and drama practice. (Pictures and details to come.) Yet at the end of each fun-filled and exciting day, we were exhausted and driving each other crazy.

Note: They drive me crazy because they really are my family. It's like having family Thanksgiving every day all the time- with a family from all over the world! (If only NaNa's stuffing was part of this week!)

Here, and especially this week, I feel like everything happens in extremes. I hit new and indescribable levels of emotions. Off-the-charts excitement. Unbearable joy. Burning anger. Staggering weariness. Overwhelming love. Enduring passion. And even restlessness in the most extreme form.

This morning, after I realized all the staff cars giving rides to church were full – on the morning when I really, really, reallllly wanted intimacy with Jesus - I stole a sheet from the linen closet and retreated to the lawn. I buried my face in my pillow, clutched my stuffed animal and wept restless tears.

Jesus, why do I feel like this? I don’t even know what “this” is. I want to run away. But there’s nowhere I’d rather be.


How can I hold all these feelings at once? So grateful to come and see God in Africa while feeling Him from the States. So delighted to be here right now on this flower-speckled grass under the most beautiful African sky. So taken aback that this cross-cultural “pour-in-discipleship and flow-out-to-the-nations” 8 months of my life is the closest experience of the Great Commission I’ve tasted yet. And so painfully uncomfortable and unsettled by that.

Should I be satisfied here, Jesus? Should I be uncomfortable? Should I be yearning? Is it ok to want more? What kind of “more” could I ever want?

Here I am again, like a scratched up record, back to restless “homesickness”. I decided to try to write it out, and maybe I would find solace in communicating to both Jesus and the people that are Home at the same time.

And I did. And I am. Nicci sent me a link to a blog that came in perfect timing.

It was a reminder of the lesson I have to learn over and over again.

Home is nothing short of the Kingdom of God. If I can be cliché (which I can and I do on a regular basis,) “Home is where your heart is”. I suppose I’m happy to not feel completely at Home in Texas, in California, in Africa, in the American church, on the mission field, or anywhere in between. My heart is set on the Kingdom of God. We are supposed to make Home while we’re here. We are supposed to bring the Kingdom of God to earth as best we can until Jesus comes and does it all the way.

I’m jealous that Jesus is sinless. I’m jealous that He’s God. I’m jealous that He’s not clouded with selfishness, burdened with personal pity, and that He always chooses right. He always chooses love.

But I’m certain that Jesus always felt this tension. He was designed for Heaven and stuck amongst us – here only to die for all the crap we pull as we try to work our way to the top or create a home that makes us feel completely comfortable and completely satisfied on earth. Yet, somehow, He loved us perfectly and seemed to have an endless supply of compassion, where mine always seems to run dry in the hottest or most uncomfortable parts of the day.

I haven’t said anything new. I haven’t thought anything brilliant. But I’ve cried. And I’ve whined. And I’ve talked to the people that make Home for me – Jesus and you. And I feel better. I don’t know how to make it work any different, and I suspect that the temper tantrums on the lawn will continue, but thanks for being Home and thanks for reading.

Pray that I, and that we (you and me and the church), won’t strive to be comfortable on earth and will keep our hearts set on the Kingdom of God. Pray that we get it as close to right as we can on earth by not settling for the comfortable, but striving to make all of our relationships look like the relationship of the Trinity. Celebrate with me that Jesus responds to temper tantrums and then even makes Sunday drizzly so the day doesn’t make you cranky-hot.

Thank you for coming alongside me whether I'm restless, excited, happy, or cranky. Thank you for being Home to me.