feelin' it....

I’m feely.

I feel strong emotions all the way through me almost all the time.

I feel to understand how to relate to others…

I feel tone of voice. I feel what’s in a hug. I feel nonverbal communication.

I’m feely. It’s my radar.

And, so often, I feel God’s presence around me and in me. And that is the most incredible feeling of all. It goes deeper than emotion – It’s Presence.

The presence of God in me elicits an undeniable, unsumbergable and uncontrollable emotional reaction, both to Him and to others… Most of the time.

I love feeling. I love the capacity He gave me to feel deeply. It’s a teeny-tiny picture of how deeply He feels for us. Love isn’t the feeling… God is Love. But, eish…. Love, and the ways He loves all the time and every time certainly evokes feelings in me that leave me wanting more, longing for His perspective and desperate for His Kingdom.

I think I’ve just set myself on cruise control though. I think I went on emotional overload.

A week of what felt like rapid-fire culture shock, stumbling through the hard part of relationships, feeling my heart stretch with love and longing around the world, saying goodbyes on base, so so so much love for Lifa and the Kabokweni girls, conversations that inspired me, being surprised by people, excitement in meeting new friends, and, the big one… being absolutely devastated by the civil service strike here in South Africa.

The teachers, hospitals and home affairs are on strike. The children aren’t in school – and, for many of them, that’s their only meal of the day. Now they are left to walk around the streets unsupervised and receiving no attention or structure all day. In hospitals, babies have died because no one would care for them. It doesn’t make sense. I just want to scream, “Is this real!?!”

I can’t hold all the feelings. I can’t breathe when I try.

So what do I do? I know God’s still here. He’s still alive and active in me. He’s still Love. But I’m not feely. My feelings are exhausted.

So what do I do?

A line from Hillsongs “From The Inside Out” song is on repeat in my head right now…

“Let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out.”

I don’t feel your warm fuzzies right now, Jesus. But you didn’t always feel them either… hanging from a cross with a crown of thorns.

You hung there for justice… and undeserved, lopsided, Jesus kind of justice… the kind that gives us full rights and full access to the Family we were created for and that only takes accepting Love and grace. It didn’t come with hugs and party hats. It came from Love – the One who IS foundational, unshakable Love.

You hung there so that, right here and right now, I can have full access to your heart and praise you. Even praise isn’t a feeling… it’s a declaration of Truth. It’s being humbled by all that You are and acknowledging Your greatness when there’s nothing else I can do.

So, when I’m not feelin’ it, Lord, let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out. Help me stumble through this.

Photo by Carly B

“..And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8